Sometimes, things happen. Unexpected ones. And it changes your life in an instant. All your prayers, all your problems, and all the things that once bothered you before, all the things that you thought were unsolvable just dissolve and vanish away in an instant like a smoke. You can’t even pinpoint when and where it all happen, or the specific moment or event that marks the change. But for some reason, you know without a doubt that your now standing on the after of before.
I guess my only self consolation for not being able to write is, I’m actually happy. It’s easy to bleed words when you are sad, but when you’re happy, it’s kind of hard to stop and pick up a pen and write things down, because you’re busy living life, being happy, being grateful. And it’s kind of a really really good feeling, and I guess happiness is a lot more difficult to capture in paper. I don’t even have words to express it.
[congrats to me! i’m signing off for awhile]
Wouldn’t it be nice if there’s at least one person who can read your mind or hear your thoughts? I hope there is, at least for me. So that whatever happens to me, someone would know. And I wouldn’t be lost in this oceans of people, even for that one person’s mind.
//something I’d thought about years ago.
I woke up from a dream I can’t remember, and it feels like I lose someone I can’t even remember who. And it just feel sad waking up, knowing I can’t go back, and there’s no way to go back.
// i think this is a result of me reading Never, Never book by Colleen Hoover and Tarryn Fisher. I have a hard time remembering dreams recently. 😭
I find myself lost in between juggling my life, my dreams, and my happiness. And I don’t know what to do. Is this all there is? The things I do that makes me happy are not exactly the things that this world would applaud for, and the things I do to make my life seems worth it are not exactly the the things that makes me happy. And my dreams, I think I have it all wrong. And I think, is this my dream before? Why do I feel stuck now, and why does doing this dream does not make me happy anymore. Is this all there is to it? At what point can I throw the white towels away and say I quit? At what point can I let go? At what point is it enough to let go? Should I even let go when I haven’t even begun? Is that even called letting go when my heart isn’t even into it anymore?
At what point can I stop chasing my dreams and not regret it one day?
Have you ever been in a situation when everyone is doing something over and over again that it already becomes the norm, but something deep within you just makes doing that thing feels off? Yet almost everyone is doing it and they make it look like that it’s the right thing to do? Sometimes the difficulty is not doing the right thing but knowing what is the right thing. When face in this situation, ask yourself, “Does doing this thing pleases the world, or does it pleases God?”
My mind is in some sort of vacation, and I just couldn’t squeeze out any words. I think I’d lost 3 days from my 365 writing from this last two weeks, plus today, which makes it 4 days of skipping / cheating from my writing commitment. I’m sorry (more to myself than to my readers). I’ll be back, I just lost my muse, again. And I just can’t use sadness as an alternative muse forever. Sadness is a tricky writing companion, it can take over any writer’s life if not used carefully. So I’d rather used it sparingly and lose my words than lose my life and my happiness.
Anyway, my last post is my 101th piece for my 365. 😔 Huhuhu, I don’t think I could complete it with all the missing days. 😭 Plus the quality of my writings are diminishing (my personal opinion). So I may or may not break my 365 writing commitment, though I’m leaning more to breaking it. Creation takes life. And writing is creating. So sometimes it feels like I’m losing a little bit of myself in every pieces that I write. Maybe that’s the reason why the best creators I know of, whether in writing or music or painting, are always sad. Anyways, i’ll be back. Hopefully with more happy words than sad ones. 😊 And maybe, not everyday. 😊 Good night!
We, always, always, always have a choice. No matter how much other people or circumstances try to convince you otherwise, do not for a single second believe that you don’t have one.
In reality, I have to remind myself of this truth everyday. That I have a choice. That right at this moment, I am choosing this. And at any moment, I can unchoose this too.
And you can unchoose this too.
An entry to Daily Post weekly writing challenge and a first timer on *yeah write.
Yesterday on my way home, a poem was building on my mind. A poem about you and me. But not really you, for it is more about me and how I want to feel the beauty of feeling that people always ascribe to love. I wanted to capture it in a poem, even for a fleeting moment, a poem just full of happiness and no pain. I wanted to feel the happiness, even for that poem, even by being just inside that poem. So I resolved to write it when I got home. But then I got lazy and I went to bed early instead.
There I read a book while I lay on my stomach, and then you came to me as always, and I saw your face, and I felt every bit of you as you cup my cheeks in between your hands, and kissed me lightly on the lips, as you always did now. You must love me or respect me to kiss me like that always, the way I wanted to be kissed, not the way you wanted to kiss me. You might think I might not notice, but I do. Because the first time wasn’t how I really wanted it. Just passion and lust. And I don’t want anything like that. But then I noticed as days and years pass, you changed. I mean the kisses change and how you held me every night. For the first time then, I feel love from you, and you started to be more gentle, in your kisses, in your hugs, in your touches.
I still don’t believe anything of it is true. I’m the kind of person who pretty much believes in everything, and don’t believe in anything. It’s like being on two opposite poles and I’m never on the center. Sometimes I believe on everything, and then the next time, I don’t anymore. That’s how I am like. So there were times I believed in you, moments I tried to let the idea sink into my head, down into my heart, and deep into my soul.
But there were moments, and there are pretty much many times when I tried to cast it all away. To banish you, to push you away, and to pull myself away from you. And I enjoyed those times. Yes, I enjoyed harming myself when feelings went too much because I don’t know how else to cope but to feel another pain, much more intense than the first one. And that’s how I do it. Maybe I’m crazy, maybe I’m not. But definitely having you in my life nailed me as one.
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