When we’re sick, we are told to rest so that our body could recuperate. How then do we heal a mind that can’t be cured with resting?
I used to be confident on what lies ahead of me. That’s why I’m sure of the decisions I make, and the decisions I take, because I know where my feet shall go. But lately, my visions for the future had gone blurry, and awry, and I feel like everything is falling apart, and anywhere I look, whether inside my heart and my mind or outside of me, confusion and anxiety abounds. Everything is just bleak and foggy, and I feel like the grounds beneath my feet, on where I stand, are collapsing as fast as a quicksand, and I don’t freaking know where to go from here.
//excerpt from a book i’ll never write # 36
AN. I haven’t posted for such a long time! I was soooo busy. By the way, I just changed my email provider for this blog, so please bear with me! I’m not so sure yet how this one will perform or look. But you can now reply on this. =) so if you have any comments or suggestions or requests, just let me know. Though I must warn you that I’m not so good with requests. =)
I want to live a life, a life full of faith, a life full of Him. I want to live in such a way that when people look at me, they would think that there must be a power greater than this world, a power greater than our greatest worries and anxieties, that there must be a God, and that God must be real. That whatever I do and have will never be possible if it’s not because of Him.
There are times in your life when you can’t help but ask yourself, what am I doing here? Is this right? Have I chosen correctly? Is this the correct path? And even though how many times you’ve asked yourself, or how many times you’ve gone over through your best and worst case what-ifs scenarios, you still do not know the answer. Not fully. Maybe you have an inkling, but you cannot really pinpoint what it says or what it means, or maybe you do not have any hint, not even a hunch whether you’re on the right or wrong track. All you have are the butterflies in your stomach that seems at war with each other, and the certainty that you do not know what you are really doing in this so called ‘life’, or where you should be going, or what you should be pursuing, or what might the future holds for you. And maybe that’s okay. Maybe it’s okay to not know. Maybe it’s okay to take a step, or to be still, when you do not know where you are going. Maybe it’s okay to be all knots and to be all butterflies, at all times.
Maybe it’s okay. Or maybe, there are really no maybes, and it’s just okay.
How many prayers and dreams have I let go just when I about to reach it? How many nights of praying have I wasted, pleading the heavens just for me to have you? And just when my prayers are about to get answered, why did my heart suddenly stop loving you?
If you think about it, everyone of us will die. Rich, poor, young, old, whatever you have achieved or whoever you are, all of us have the same destination. Dust to earth. So why then do we keep on burdening ourselves, killing ourselves with anxiety, filling our days and nights with incessant thoughts of what to do, or what to accomplish, or if we have enough, or how to have more than enough, when all of it, all of it, regardless of our achievements, popularity, fame, and money, stand nothing in the face of death?
Why then can’t we just live simply and happy and contented, and be kind to everyone and anyone we meet?
Why then do we need to prove to ourselves that we can do this and that, have this and that, be this and that, when even a second from now is not really ours?
Why then do we wait forever before we say I love you to the person we love, and why don’t we spend time with the people who really matters to us when all we really have is this life and this lifetime to expend?
If you think about it, everyone of us will die.
Why then do we let ourselves suffer so much?
Sometimes, things happen. Unexpected ones. And it changes your life in an instant. All your prayers, all your problems, and all the things that once bothered you before, all the things that you thought were unsolvable just dissolve and vanish away in an instant like a smoke. You can’t even pinpoint when and where it all happen, or the specific moment or event that marks the change. But for some reason, you know without a doubt that your now standing on the after of before.