I want a fresh start. But my body is made up of cells tainted with history. History of your touch, your kisses, and your hugs. They say that our body replaces itself with new cells every seven years. Love, it’s more than seven years now, I guess heart cells are never included.
I used to think that this was it. That my life was over without him in it. That I couldn’t be possibly any happier in the future than when I was with him. After he left me, it’s as if my world stopped spinning, and I became afraid of the future. I became afraid to think of the future, knowing fully that this time I have to imagine and rebuild it without him.
Yet, indeed, time heals everything. Days turned to months, and months turned to years, and I found that the world started spinning again, gradually, slowly, yet continuously and unfaltering. And I realized the world really did not stop for me. I’m the one who stopped. I’m the one who stopped moving, I’m the one who stopped caring, I’m the one who stopped trying to live. So with faith and hope for the future, I stood again. And here I am now, happy, complete, and contented with the life I built even without him.
This is a custom piece request by someone who asked to remain anonymous. 😊 I’m sorry if it took me quite some time to write it. I hope I did justice to your request. For some reason, I really find it hard to write someone’s else story. I tried my best though. 😊
You always held on to him, long enough to hurt not only your arm but also your heart. It’s a pain, an ache, that you kept on bearing and enduring until such time that the pain turned into numbness. The numbness made you lose your grip to him a little bit, and suddenly this made you feel a little bit better. So you try to loosen your grip to him a little bit more, and more, and with every space you create, and every distance you make, your heart feels a little bit lighter, a little bit better, until such time you realize that you’re actually a little bit more happier now.
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// I‘m probably going back to writing again. Yey! ☺️ I think I regained most of my lost energies. 😁 I wish writing does not exhaust me this much. 😭
This is how I’d fallen out of love of him:
I didn’t. It just that one day I woke up, and I just.. I just didn’t feel anything for him. Not love, not like, not hate, nor anger, not even sadness or disappointment, just.. nothing. Like my heart entered a sudden oblivion, and it just forgot. It forgot to remember to care for him or to think of him, and in a blink of an eye, everything about him, every feelings I associated with him is erased, and he didn’t matter anymore. Like he never really mattered at all.
And I’m okay with it. I mean, it’s a lot like looking at a blank grey canvas, what do you suppose to feel about it? Nothing, right? Nothing and just okay.
//excerpt from a book i’ll never write #33
i. He keeps on giving me excuses of why we couldn’t be together, and I keep on giving excuses for his excuses, because I believe we have a connection, and ours is not like any other.
ii. I know he’s the bad boy kind of guy, and I should probably stay away from him, but I keep on forgetting it whenever we were together, whenever we would go out on a ride and sing in the car,
iii. and for a moment, his laughter would drown out all my doubts and all my worries for our future.
iv. He told me I’m not like any other, that he never felt this way for anyone else before,
v. But he also never told me that he has someone else now, a new girl in his life that he’s been hiding away from me,
vi. And all those excuses he keeps on giving me, he’s willing to throw those all out for his someone new,
vii. and I hate that I don’t hate him,
viii. and I shouldn’t love him, but I do,
ix. and I know I should try to move on, but it’s hard.
x. And when I think I’m finally over him, I would walk right into him, and I couldn’t help but fall in love with him, all over again.
I try to hate him, but I can’t.
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// I’m so sorry to the one who requested for this, it took so long. Writing other people’s stories are my weakness. I feel like I wouldn’t be able to bring justice to their feelings and stories and pains, that’s why I keep on putting this off on my writing list. I used most of your words so it would still feels true for you.
// if you would like a custom piece for yourself or for your loved ones, just message me on any of my social media accounts or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org for details.
I can’t remember his face anymore, nor how his voice sounds. I used to wish for this, to forget, to not remember, and now that I finally can’t, I do not know what to make of it, or what to feel. I’m not happy nor sad. I just feel lost. A little bit confused. Like I’m grasping the last piece of memories I have with him but I just couldn’t bring it forth to my mind, and no matter how hard I think of him, or how long I take a look at a picture of him, when I close my eyes, I just… can’t. I can’t remember his face anymore.
//excerpt from a book i’ll never write #29
Do you know that feeling when things are about to end and you’ve finally accepted it? I’m not talking about things ending and still wishing for it to be like before. This is the type that you’ve finally accepted it, and you’re now hoping for a new beginning. The type of feeling that blooms in your chest and you’re a little bit excited and giddy, and wishful and hopeful of what’s yet to come. The feeling of acceptance mixed with the anticipation of the future. Will you meet him at the subway station when you’re about to go home, or at the coffee shop where you always frequent to? Will you meet him on a rainy night when you forget your umbrella and he’s just standing there on a sidewalk looking like an angel in disguise? Or probably you’ll meet him on the most mundane way, when a friend of yours will just casually introduce him to you, without any motive of linking you two together, but somehow your eyes meet and your laughters sync, and you just both click.
It’s almost like the feeling you get when Christmas season is about to start, the feeling of festivity, of anticipation, of hope. It’s like this time, anything can happen and finally, finally, you’re ready to grasp and trust the magic that comes with new beginnings.
Relish this feeling when you get it. Hold on to it. It’s your heart way of whispering, “Hey, I’m getting there, I’m healing, I’m getting okay, we are about there, just hold on, we could do this.”