Browse Tag by love letters
365, Prose, Writings

Always you

I dreamt of him last night and he asked me, “What’s your biggest mistake?”

I reached for his hands, but I woke up before I could answer him. And even though I knew he couldn’t hear me then, I still said it aloud, “You. Losing you. It will always be you.”

//excerpt from a book i’ll never write #32

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365, Prose, Writings

Love Letters #3

I used to write songs, and you would give melody to my lyrics. And you would sing it for me, and I would listen while imagining that the words came from you and not from me.

We were quite a tandem then. With you and your guitar and your heavenly sent voice and charming looks, and with me and my pen, and my words, and my hope for our future. Two young people ready to conquer the world with music, melody, and words.

I guess it was all too much for you. The pressure, the noise, the attention, and being alone on the stage. You, always in the spotlight and I contentedly watching in the background.

I thought it was what you want. I wish I had seen the panic in your eyes everytime you step on the stage. I wish I had known why your eyes keep searching for me in the crowd, and why you always held my hand tighter just before your performance. I wish I’d known that you just wanted to sing for me and not for everyone else. I wish I’d known that you never wanted to conquer the world with your music, but just my heart. I wish I’d known, because I would tell you then that love, you already did, you already have my heart, and we could stop creating music and I wouldn’t care as long as I have you.

I wish I’d known that you’d never wanted anyone else attention, that you are contented with our own little world, and that everytime I let go of your hand for you to walk on the stage, I’m letting you go piece by piece. Until one day, you never came back.

When you left me, all my written lyrics become half unfinished love poems, and love letters, a string of inchoherent words without melody, without sound, but always with you.

Love, it was always written for you.

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365, Prose, Writings

Love Letters #2

Do you remember how when we were kids, you taught me how to swim? And when we grew up, you always told me to stay away from waters unless you’re near? You knew how clumsy I could be on all the wrong moments.

But I never worry then.

You were always there to be my lifeguard whether in swimming or in real life. You have always been my floatation device when I’m about to drown, and my lookout when I’m already wading near the deep ends of the waters. You never let me go through any of it alone. That’s why when you’d left, I had a hard time adjusting and keeping afloat, even when I’m not in the waters, even when my feet is flatly on the ground. I feel like I’ll never learn how to float again, and my feet will never find its stability again.

I wish you pushed me harder in lessons.

But how can I blame you? That’s how you’ve always been, comfortable in being relied to, and that’s how I’ve always been, quitting before I even started and just comfortable on depending on you. You said that’s why we clicked on everything.

Sometimes when I’m near the beach, I can still hear your voice ringing through my ears, loud and clear, like it was just yesterday, reminding me to keep to the shore and to not go through the deep waters unless if I’m with you.

Sometimes, I go to the beach alone, because that is when your voice is loudest, that is where my memories of you are the most clear, roaring above the ocean’s wave. And most because, that is where I lose you.

I don’t think I will ever forgive the ocean for never giving you back to me.

Until now, I never manage to learn how to swim, and I’ve never been comfortable again with waters. I don’t think I will ever be, since you’ve been gone.

**…continuation from a post titled, 17.

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365, Prose, Random Thoughts, Writings

17

There’s something so painful about chasing the memories and love of a dead person. It’s like trying to hope for a better future, a future you know that wouldn’t involve them anymore. A future you once thought would be all about you and him.

I heard our song on the radio while on my way to office, and I was hurled back in time in an instant. It’s still hard to grasp what happened, like it seems to happen just yesterday and I was on the pavement of the hospital, crying my heart and soul out.

What you did, why you did, the theories behind it, the mechanics, I all understand it now. I studied it for you. I just wish I’d understood it before when you’re still clinging to me for life support, like I’m your anchor that keeps you from floating away from this world that demands too much of you.

I wish I held your hand tighter, and hugged you a little bit longer, and listened to you a little bit more patiently. But I didn’t. I took you a little bit for granted because I thought you’d be my forever, that you’ll always be here on my side, that you’ll always be my partner in crime.

When you left us, the world stop spinning for me as if for punishment. That’s the time I also realized that time could bend, that time could stand still and that it could stop just like that for me, the bright noise of the world dimming in a blink of an eye, the curtains closing, and I’m left with nothing but your memories and the white noise behind.

And contrary to what you always say to me, I learned that there’s such thing as too late. And I’d been too late. I’m so sorry.

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