My words are raw. I am long past using flowery poetic words to describe my feelings. Hurt is hurt. Anger is anger. Breaking is breaking. I want you to see me as I am. Broken. Breathing. Surviving.
Do you remember our first day together, our first touch, the first time you told me you love me, the first time you held my face in your hands and kiss me? Or how about that day you decided “I would like her to be with me for the rest of my life. I think she’s the one,” or that fateful day when you ask for my hand? Do you still remember any of it? Because I do. I still do. And those memories burned longer and brighter on my heart, those memories are engraved on me, memories that I know you also have. So why did you do this to me? Why did you cheat on me and leave me after all the moments we’ve shared? Why?
I thought this kind of problems only happen in movies, or in novels I read. It’s not supposed to happen in my life. I mean it’s you after all. The half of my life, the one I trusted the most, the one I loved the most. But it did happen. The first time I caught you cheating, I forgave you. It hurts so much, but I still keep on forgiving you. My trust with you are irreparably broken, and could you blame me? But I still choose to forgive you. I choose to forgive you because I love you. Why can’t you do the same for me?
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Do you know that feeling where you just wanted to say “I don’t know what to do” over and over again? Because you literally don’t have an idea what to do anymore and you feel like you’re trapped in this black black void of mess you can’t seem to get out of no matter how fast you tried to run?
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do anymore. And you know what, if you’re ever feeling this, you’re not alone. I’m so deep and stuck in this moment too. I don’t know what to do.
//excerpt from a book i’ll never write #23
Can I fall asleep with your lips touching mine and your limbs wrap up around me? I promise you to volunteer my own heart to shush your fears, and when you want to stop breathing, I will share you my breathe, the space I occupy, my soul, and even a part of my eternity, just to make you mine, just to make you feel loved.
//excerpt from a book i’ll never write #21
I carry within me a heart full
of stories and magic and new beginnings,
a heart full of hope and trust
and of love that never knows how to fade nor end.
So when you’ve grown weary and tired
of this world’s never ending charades
when putting on your daily mask
became too much to bear,
For I shall carry yours within mine
and I’ll lend you mine
when yours start to fail.
If we were having coffee, I would tell you about my dreams. I would tell you how I used to dream of being in a circus surrounded by lively music and people wearing colorful dresses and tunics, people that work together and bonded as family. I would tell you I dreamed of being a trapeze artist, always up high in the air, flying from loops to loops, light as air, and feet never touching the ground. I would tell you that I love heights. I love the feeling of falling and the feeling of excitement and hope it gives me, the hope that maybe when I jump, this time I would fly.
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that maybe I have a gypsy soul in me, the kind that can read palms and sees the future, the kind that is affected by the moon’s waxing and waning, the kind that would kiss a stranger because she has already met him in one of her dreams.
If we were having coffee, I would also tell you that I grew up shy, that I have soft bones, loose joints, and weak heart, and I am affected by loud noises and music. I would also tell you that my dreams are mostly nightmares, that my moods are worsts than the moon, and that I have seen him in my dreams, but when I met him, he’s already kissing someone else.
Today, I will convert his winter smile to summer laughter
I will transform his cold translucent skin to a warm glowing ember
I will turn his blue frozen lips to a bloodied hungry mess.
We will bathe and swim and he will smell like the ocean’s mist
and his skin will taste like sea salt and sunshine
His grey eyes will reflect the clear blue sky
And for a moment he will thought that his eyes were blue too.
The ocean will whisper to him the secrets of the universe
And I will look in his eyes, hoping he hears and understands.
We will lay in the sand with my head in his chest, as I listen..
Today, I will give a life to his non beating heart.
My entry for this week’s #FWF Free Write Friday: Quote Prompt.