If we were having coffee, I will you tell how it feels like. I will tell you how I’m constantly torn between two polar opposites of almost everything. Between dreams and reality. Between what my mind wants and what my heart wants. Between light and darkness. Between happiness and sadness. Between exposing my soul and keeping up with this world’s facade. Between hiding myself and being recognized. Between trying to live and wanting to die. Between putting up a brave face, keeping up the fight, or letting it all go down the drain. It’s as if there’s two different people in me with different and separate interest and there are no middle grounds and in-betweens where I could safely put up a white flag for a moment and tell myself, or this two polarity in me, “hey this is where we will rest, this where we will meet in between and discuss things peacefully and make good amends between our conflicting wants and needs.”
If we were having coffee, I will tell you that I’m trying to find the gray areas even though all I see is black and white. That sometimes I’m losing my hope, but I’m still trying to keep afloat. That sometimes the feeling of drowning and not going back to the surface feels better than the chaos of feelings that is constantly happening within me whenever I resurface. But I’m still trying. I’m still trying because as much as there are dark days, I’ve experienced good days, when the sun seems to shine brighter than before, and I forget all about what’s bothering me before.
If we were having coffee, I will tell you that on good days, it’s as if none of the dark days happened, like it never really happened at all. Even if it did, even if I have experienced it first hand and it consumed all my being at that moment. I would not be able to think of it, and I could not even bring it to mind even if I want. That’s how it is. On good days, it’s as if I’m the sun and nothing, not even the clouds, could dim my light. No amount of darkness could touch me. I am invincible. While on dark days, it’s as if I am the moon and I have just this limited light in me to shine on myself, and to you, and to others, and I am surrounded by everything that is dark so all I could think of is dark, and I’ve never even know what a bright day might look like.
And if we were having coffee, I will tell you this. That right at this moment, I’m standing on my gray area. That I found that writing is one of my in-betweens, and reading too, and sleeping. And you have nothing to worry about. 🙂
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Sidenote: I have recently imported my blog from pinkwoods.wordpress.com to here. Yey! Unfortunately, all the likes and some of the comments are not captured from my previous blog. 🙁 I tell you, life is so much easier with free wordpress! What have I gotten into. 😀 Anyway, I’m still tweaking things so please bear with me and hang on.