I fought for someone who would not fight for me.
This is how I’d fallen out of love of him:
I didn’t. It just that one day I woke up, and I just.. I just didn’t feel anything for him. Not love, not like, not hate, nor anger, not even sadness or disappointment, just.. nothing. Like my heart entered a sudden oblivion, and it just forgot. It forgot to remember to care for him or to think of him, and in a blink of an eye, everything about him, every feelings I associated with him is erased, and he didn’t matter anymore. Like he never really mattered at all.
And I’m okay with it. I mean, it’s a lot like looking at a blank grey canvas, what do you suppose to feel about it? Nothing, right? Nothing and just okay.
//excerpt from a book i’ll never write #33
Why is it whenever you walk out of the door,
my heart breaks into tiny little pieces,
my energy dipping way colder
than the antarctic ocean,
and I get this gnawing feeling,
at the pit of my stomach,
telling me that it is really me,
and my life,
that you’re walking out of.
She used to believe on a love that never lasts
Her innocent heart dreamt of a life that only exists
On fairytale books and hollywood movies
Until a boy with lightning on his eyes
Thunder on his voice, and fire on his kisses
Came and swept her off her feet,
Whispering her promises of heaven and hell.
But he was all hell and never heaven.
Now she only believes on a love
That can withstand the damage made on her heart,
And as strong as the swords forge
From the fires of hell
That she’s been through.
After a while, everything will stop hurting. You’ll find yourself being accustom with the sharp pain that you feel every time you see him with her. The sharp pain will turn into a dull ache until such time, when you see a picture of them together, you’ll know something has changed. Maybe it was still the same picture you saw from last year that you keep on looking back to remind you that he’s never yours to begin with, that he’s happy with her, that he didn’t choose you, and he keep on not choosing you, but this time when you look at their picture, you’ll know something has changed. Something has changed in you and you’ll realize it doesn’t hurt as much as before, it doesn’t feel like the world suddenly stops spinning and everything turns insanely quiet, and it doesn’t feel like a true heartbreak is happening inside your chest. It will still hurt, yes, but it’s more like a background sad music inside your soul, something that will always be there, something that will always be a part of you, but something that you can also choose to ignore. Until one day, you won’t even hear those background music, or feel those dull pain, unless you really really listen and force yourself too.
Trust me, in time, it will stop hurting. I know for I’ve been there too. And you know what? I can look at his eyes now without wanting a piece of my soul back.