I need to get away
before you see all that I am
and all that I’ve been through
I bet it just a matter of time
before you realize
what mess I put myself through
And I never wanted the time to come
when I will see disappointment and disgust
reflected in your eyes
So let me run away for good now
before I get too deep
and trust you too real
And allow me to be
the one who walks away
because I won’t ever manage if it’s you.
I hold on to you
just like a cutter
holding on to its blade
you can magically make pain
go all away.
But every time,
after the storm passed
and the mood subsided
like a cut,
you make a scar in my heart
so deeply, I’m afraid
I will never be whole again.
I know that one day
I’ll be able to press this knife
down to my wrists
down to the little veins and arteries
that pumps my life’s blood in and out
I know that one day
I’ll have the courage to stand
against the cold steel railing
of some random infrastructure
and plunge into the heart of a retiring afternoon
I know that one day
when I cross a street
recklessly, silently wishing
like how I’ve always wished for so long
a car will hit me, ending it all at last
I know one day
When I whisper in your ears
and against your chest
that I wanted to end it all
It won’t be anymore a wishful thinking
When that time comes,
I hope you’ll hear my heartbeat
distinct and alive for the last time
wrap yourselves with my sorrow, taste my tears
for I’m entrusting you my unsung history.
So I’ll be hitting two awards with one post! 🙂
Let me thank Ms. Lorraine Marie Reguly who nominated me last month for Shine On award, which unfortunately I didn’t have time to accept then and post it here. Then to Ms. Crissybwell who nominated me for Liebster Award. 🙂 Thank you so much to both of you. Continue Reading
There’s something about rooftops and heights and buildings that makes me want to live, and jump, and die, and laugh, and fall in love, and cry, all at the same time.
I’m in love with heights. I love the scenic view of anything from above. No matter what it is, even if it’s just a view of garbage pile, I don’t really mind as long as I’m on up above, above the world’s care, above the people’s chatter below, above the lines of honking cars that piles up creating the typical Monday traffic.
I guess it’s the peaceful feeling that comes with it. Of being above. The kind of peace that makes all the noises and voices in my head stop. And I crave for that feeling, that feeling of stillness and of calm nothingness.
So it’s not too much to ask I guess
to be on the world’s highest building
on a windy cold midnight
and with the moon shining in the clear sky
then waking up the next day
with nothing but a vague feeling
tugging at my heart
for the rest of my life.
Maybe, I have been already in that place. That place that haunts me on my sleep when I was young, that special place that I haven’t been on yet but am familiar like the back of my hand, a place I don’t even know if it exists.
And sometimes when the vision persists you can’t help but wonder if it happened in some past lives or some dream that you can’t remember anymore.
– – –
Inspired by #FWF Free Write Friday: Ponder This…
I opened my eyes and the sunlight blinded me
I opened my mouth and the stars filled it
I looked at the sky and my feet floated
Up and up above, ‘til my head touches the clouds
I spread my arms wide and the seagulls flocked around me
Dancing to the rhythm of winds, I became one of them.
I love the way you smile
The way your face seems to light up,
Whenever I see you.
I love the way your hands
Enclosed on my wrist last night.
But I like you better before
Those unassuming angel’s eyes
And innocent smiles.
Or have you change already?
The way I must have change
In just a year without you.
You complained about her
And for a moment I feel glad,
I heard you broke up with her
But I doubt you really have the guts.
In any case,
I’m not going back there
I’m not going back with you
And spent many sleepless nights
Again thinking of you.
It isn’t about you or him
Or about her
It isn’t even about God
Or how you seem to be there
Just when everything feels right.
I’m not all right.
I’m not yet all alright.
You must have known that
Since you pretty much know everything
On when to turn up
And when to disappear.
Or is it only when
I connect to the source?
In which case,
Are you the serpent
I should avoid
Or an angel
I should hold?
By the way
Your voice has change
I do not recognize it anymore.
I like you better before
So let’s keep it that way.