Writing Entries, Writings

Losing 74 words: Because paragraphs need dieting too

Here’s my response of this week’s DP challenge.

Original paragraph from my 2011 post entitled The Small Dagger :

She was lying on the bed—as how she spend most of her days after the funeral—and looking at the ceiling, and she felt so emotionally numbed that she could not shed a teardrop anymore nor feel anything that even her breathing seemed so distant to her. And the air in the room was so still and so cold and she could only hear silence, pure silence, not even a bark of a dog or a car passing by or a ticking of the clock. Her mind was also as still as the air in her room, and there was not a single thought that came to her even if she tried to think.

After shrinking it:

Since the funeral, she spent most of her days on bed, staring at the ceiling, feeling lost and numbed. She could not cry nor think anymore as her mind was as still as her room filled with silence and cold air.

There! So from 115 words, I’d reduced it to 41 words. I don’t know if it get’s better or what, but it’s a fun challenge!

P.S. While writing this post, I’d noticed that I’m censoring and simplifying my choice of words. So far, this seems to be my smallest entry. 🙂

6 Comments

  • Reply

    Lorraine Gouland

    June 21, 2013

    Now that really works! Well done. You convey so much more in the edited piece, it’s more affecting – especially the last line ‘as her mind was as still as her room filled with silence and cold air.’

  • Reply

    crissybwell

    June 23, 2013

    I love this post!! The title is very clever. I tend to be the kind that rambles and chopping down is something I very much need. Thank you for the post 🙂

    • Reply

      Pink Woods

      June 23, 2013

      Same here. I’m into unnecessary words, and it really takes great effort on my part to cut words. Thanks for visiting! 🙂

      • Reply

        crissybwell

        June 23, 2013

        Yes tough is a very good way to put it. Stephen King refers to it as a “putter inner” so yes it’s hard to take things out. But you did well for your example too. 🙂

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