Random Thoughts, Writing Entries, Writings

Morning Pages Bared: Dig deep into my thoughts

An entry to Daily Post weekly writing challenge and a first timer on *yeah write.

Yesterday on my way home, a poem was building on my mind. A poem about you and me. But not really you, for it is more about me and how I want to feel the beauty of feeling that people always ascribe to love. I wanted to capture it in a poem, even for a fleeting moment, a poem just full of happiness and no pain. I wanted to feel the happiness, even for that poem, even by being just inside that poem. So I resolved to write it when I got home. But then I got lazy and I went to bed early instead.

There I read a book while I lay on my stomach, and then you came to me as always, and I saw your face, and I felt every bit of you as you cup my cheeks in between your hands, and kissed me lightly on the lips, as you always did now. You must love me or respect me to kiss me like that always, the way I wanted to be kissed, not the way you wanted to kiss me. You might think I might not notice, but I do. Because the first time wasn’t how I really wanted it. Just passion and lust. And I don’t want anything like that. But then I noticed as days and years pass, you changed. I mean the kisses change and how you held me every night. For the first time then, I feel love from you, and you started to be more gentle, in your kisses, in your hugs, in your touches.

I still don’t believe anything of it is true. I’m the kind of person who pretty much believes in everything, and don’t believe in anything. It’s like being on two opposite poles and I’m never on the center. Sometimes I believe on everything, and then the next time, I don’t anymore. That’s how I am like. So there were times I believed in you, moments I tried to let the idea sink into my head, down into my heart, and deep into my soul.

But there were moments, and there are pretty much many times when I tried to cast it all away. To banish you, to push you away, and to pull myself away from you. And I enjoyed those times. Yes, I enjoyed harming myself when feelings went too much because I don’t know how else to cope but to feel another pain, much more intense than the first one. And that’s how I do it. Maybe I’m crazy, maybe I’m not. But definitely having you in my life nailed me as one.

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16 Comments

  • Reply

    Karen

    June 16, 2013

    I love your title. The Morning Pages are amazingly therapeutic. Your post reminded me about how much they helped me when I did them on a regular basis.

    I hope you are no longer in the place where you enjoy hurting yourself. Keep *feeling*, and keep writing. Your words are beautiful.

    • Reply

      Pink Woods

      June 16, 2013

      Indeed morning pages are really helpful…it always gives me insights on my thoughts. Thank you Karen.

  • Reply

    Larks

    June 16, 2013

    This read as very raw and honest. Love is nothing if not confusing. I hope you’re no longer in a place where you self-harm.

  • Reply

    gem

    June 16, 2013

    I like the way you write….I am not one for sappy, romantic ,etc type posts but your way with words drew me in so I stayed 🙂

    • Reply

      Pink Woods

      June 16, 2013

      Wow. Thank you for that flattering comment gem! 🙂

  • Reply

    Stacie

    June 16, 2013

    Very lovely (except for the hurting bit – hope that’s all done).

  • Reply

    cynkingfeeling

    June 17, 2013

    I’ve always thought the best advice in “The Artist’s Way” was to do morning pages. I like how you combined these with the weekly writing challenge.

  • Reply

    Rebecca

    June 23, 2013

    I see you’re a fan of “The Artist’s Way”. I like Julie Cameron’s writings very much. I don’t “do” the morning pages but I still appreciate her books. Thanks for the like to “get rid of should”.

  • Reply

    A. I. Sajib

    June 29, 2013

    (Okay so you’re a girl and maybe I can release my anger at you. 😛 )

    While you were wondering whether you love me or not, whether you want me or not, have you ever thought how I felt all those days? One moment, you response to every gentle touch I make and it makes my world even more beautiful because I know you’re with me. When you’re all I want and you are mine, there can’t be anything more that I want.

    But the next time, you act confused. You look at me like you don’t know who I am. I touch you and you don’t response. You even talk to me like we’re strangers. Your words make me feel that you’re pulling yourself away. Suddenly my heart stops beating at normal rate and urges me to remember what I have done wrong. Have I hurt you? Have I ever made you feel less cared, or not cared at all? Have I ever been rude with you?

    Nothing comes to my mind. I’ve always cared about you and thought about you the moment you go out of my sight. My feelings for you have kept growing as days go by. Then what did go wrong? Why all the confusion in you? Why do you suddenly act like you don’t want us to be together anymore?

    I get confused. Your confusion infects me with confusion. She loves me. She loves me not. I kept doing this all the time whenever you started acting weird. Have you ever thought that not making yourself clear has always given me a silent disappointment?

    Yeah these are the words I’d have said to my crush if I could. 😐 (Except the touch parts, though. We never met. Which if a good thing I guess. Or else things would have been worse.)

    • Reply

      Pink Woods

      June 29, 2013

      Wow..this is beautiful! Thanks for sharing this to me. I just wonder what would have happened if you’ve told this to her. I guess she would be glad. 🙂 Though, it is just my opinion as a girl, or I am just really bias with letters.

      • Reply

        A. I. Sajib

        June 30, 2013

        No, she would have left. Which she did even before I could tell her. 😛 I’m glad she wasn’t my girlfriend already.

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